Category Archives: My life
Posts about my life
I must confess… I am addicted to the internet. I don’t play online games or computer games in general, but that only made it harder to realize that I am addicted. Because I could rationalize that when I was watching videos or reading Wikipedia I was educating or informing myself about what was going on in the world. Partly that was true. I think that it is important to be informed and educated. Democracy depends on people being well informed. But when search for information becomes so pervasive that you are doing it compulsively, it is time to do something about it.
A year ago I installed parental control software on my computer. In my case I was going to parent myself. I blocked streaming media (videos, etc) and I blocked all web access between 11 pm and 7 am. No more watching videos until 2 in the morning!
I saved administrator password online, on my email account. It is completely random string of characters so I cannot remember it. The success was only partial though. Many times during the last year I logged in to my email, copy-pasted the password and overcame the blockade to watch videos or extended internet access beyond 11 pm. Sometimes it worked though and I didn’t watch videos that I would have watched otherwise and I never woke up in the middle of the night and went online. Because I couldn’t – I was locked out.
The mixed success that I got from this experiment prompted me to go a few steps further and do something more radical. Last week I changed settings and now all web access is blocked all the time except Wednesdays from 8–10 pm and Sundays 6–10 pm.
It has not been even a full week since changing settings and I am already happy about this decision. I feel that now that I am free from the internet I can do so much more things that I really want to do, but have never found time to do it. I really do not need to check my emails every day! And for emergency situations I can always go to the internet at my workplace.
If you, like me, have problems with internet addiction I recommend that you install parental control software, too. I believe that the most important thing in doing so is that you do not give yourself access to internet every day. It is better to have four hours of access two times per week than to have one hour every day, because regularity is what builds a habit – and an addiction. I recommend three non-consecutive days per week as a maximum, but you can have less if you want. With limited time reserved for the internet you will read and watch that what you really want to read and watch, and not just everything you happen to find.
Be smart and, like Odysseus, tie yourself to the mast of parental control software. Enjoy the songs of internet Sirens safely.
In order to do something about my obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD, I have recently read a book titled “Overcoming obsessive-compulsive disorder – A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques”, written by David Veale and Rob Willson, and published in 2005. The book uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques and the authors are both skilled CBT practitioners: David Veale is a Consultant Psychiatrist in CBT, and Rob Willson is a CBT therapist. According to the book, CBT is the only one specific type of psychological therapy that has been shown to help for OCD.
In short, techniques in this book focus on “exposure and response prevention” treatment, which means that OCD sufferer would deliberately expose himself to things that cause him anxiety and then resist from doing the compulsion. For example, if someone with OCD were afraid of germs, then he would deliberately touch something that he considers contaminated (e.g. money, floor…) and then refuse to wash his hands for as long as possible, even though his anxiety would greatly increase because of this. After some time, this anxiety would decrease naturally, even though the compulsion or ritual was not performed. After each successive exposure, the anxiety will be less intensive and rituals will eventually become unnecessary.
Exposure and response prevention, however, is only one part of CBT. The other, “cognitive”, part basically involves the process of building alternative explanation of a person’s intrusive thoughts, doubts, images and impulses (Theory A versus Theory B). In short it can be described as reframing your thoughts. For example, a patient with obsession with order and symmetry might believe, that there is a problem with chaos and disorder that he has to prevent in order to be able to cope with life (Theory A). The reframed Theory B might explain to him that he has a problem with being afraid of chaos and disorder, and actually this fear makes him unable to cope with his life, not chaos and disorder.
The theory is simple, but its applications are not. The authors are aware of many traps that wait on the road to recovery from OCD and want to give the reader a good understanding about every common problem that he may encounter when dealing with OCD. The book is divided into two parts: in part one, authors discuss the nature of OCD and its possible causes; part two deals with how to overcome this disease. First, the principles of CBT for overcoming OCD are explained, followed by many real life examples of people with different variations of OCD and how they used CBT to get better. After that, the reader learns how to set appropriate goals and how to manage obstacles and problems to overcoming his OCD, as well as advice on how to prevent a relapse of disease. One chapter is dedicated to children and adolescents with OCD, and the book ends with discussing what can family and friends do to help.
Appendices amount for almost one quarter of the volume and cover the following: medication for OCD and their side effects; what to look for when searching for professional help; list of support groups, charities and other resources for OCD; self-assessment forms; and progress charts. It is worth noting that the authors prefer CBT as the initial treatment and only recommend medication as an additional treatment for those who fail to make progress with CBT, whose OCD is more severe, or who are also significantly depressed.
I found the book easy to grasp and it gave me a solid understanding of CBT principles – at least for dealing with OCD. Within the book there are a lot of references to other pages, chapters and appendices, so that the authors didn’t have to repeat themselves (the book already has 451 pages altogether) and to help the reader navigate (e.g. see Appendix 1). Because of this I would recommend that you read this book at least twice, as when you first read it you don’t have the whole picture and references don’t mean much to you (or you have to jump around the pages all the time). But anyone serious about overcoming his OCD would read this book more than once anyway.
On the negative side, there are some spelling and grammar mistakes throughout the book, and I even think that they didn’t correct them on purpose, as “perfectionism is a common feature of OCD in individuals with a desire for control and order”. More annoying is the fact that some references to other pages are wrong, for example it says “see page 96”, but when you go to that page, you can’t find the things that they are talking about there. However, maybe this is also done on purpose, in order to provide some additional exposure treatment to individuals as myself, who suffer from perfectionism.
Overall this is a good book about CBT for overcoming OCD and I would recommend it to anyone interested in this subject. I haven’t read any other similar books, so I cannot judge if it is the best, but I would say that it is definitely worth reading.
In my last post I mentioned briefly that I had some kind of social phobia when I was younger. However, I have yet another disorder which affects my life to this day: obsessive–compulsive disorder or OCD for short. If you have never heard of this condition, here is a brief description of OCD.
At least 1 % of the adult population is affected by OCD and according to World Health Organization OCD is in the top ten most disabling illnesses in the world (in terms of lost income and decreased quality of life).
Here is a short video that tries to show in a humorous way what it’s like to have OCD:
It is important to say though that people with OCD do not really have hallucinations – they see no annoying man shouting, as is the case in this video. Rather they get disturbing thoughts (obsessions) connected with certain unpleasant feeling (e.g. fear) that drive them to do the compulsions (for example, correct alignment of the painting). For the OCD victim there seems to be no other way to escape these disturbing thoughts except by doing the compulsions. In reality, yielding to the compulsion only works for a short time, and makes symptoms worse in the long run.
My OCD symptoms are generally quite mild, though they vary over time. However, they do bring a lot of stress into my life. I have had a wide variety of symptoms of OCD, but they have changed over time: nowadays I am not so concerned with contamination so I don’t wash hands so much any more. Nor do I hoard things so much anymore (for example, for a period of time I used to collect magazines that I haven’t read yet, to read them “later” which amounted to a lot of magazines – I just threw them away one day without ever reading them).
My biggest problem now is checking – especially making sure that I locked the house or the car. It is always stressful locking a car for me: I have to check four doors and a trunk! Plus four windows, too! If I am already stressed because of other things in my life, my OCD symptoms get worse. I am compelled to do a “full” car check, which consist of touching every window at the top to make sure it is really closed (bizarre, I know), and checking every door. If somebody or something (like a noise) interrupts me while doing the check, I have to do it once more from the beginning. If I don’t do it, then I get a feeling (worry, fear) that something bad might happen (like somebody will steal my car – which is another nonsense as my car is a piece of junk). If I am not so stressed at the time, then a “partial” car check may be sufficient: I only need to check doors and windows that I know I have opened (I don’t have central locking system).
I have lived with OCD for quite a long time now, but didn’t do much about it. As I said, my symptoms were quite mild most of the time, so I just learned to live with it (almost nobody even knows I have OCD as I have told that to only a couple of people.). However, I noticed that it became really detrimental to my health in terms of stress that is causing me. Some of the stress stems from trying to resist compulsions or reduce them (e.g. only checking something once or twice, instead of many times).
I figured out that it is time to do something about this problem, so I bought a book titled “Overcoming obsessive-compulsive disorder” (written by David Veale and Rob Willson). I am in the process of reading it, and I may post a review of this book here someday. A few days ago I also watched movie The Aviator with Leonardo DiCaprio starring as Howard Hughes, one of the most famous persons known to have had OCD. It is a good movie and I wish I had watched it when it came out, five years ago, as it shows how serious OCD can be.
Last weekend I was reminded two times that life is not forever. That it will end some day and no one knows about that day or hour.
First, I discovered that a dead cat is lying in my backyard. It was hidden under a hedge so I haven’t found out this (I rarely go there) until my neighbour complained about the smell. It was a pretty nasty sight as it must had been lying there for a few days. I called the Bureau of Sanitation and they sent someone to clean it up. I don’t know whose cat it was or why it died.
Second, I played football (soccer) with my friend and some other people that he knows. I rarely play football, but since I was invited to the match, I went. It was the day of World Cup final (Netherlands vs. Spain) so we intended to watch the game on TV after our own match.
Our game was good and fun. However, I am out of shape, so I got tired pretty fast and played as a goalkeeper for the second half. After the match we watched World Cup final on TV and Spain became the new world champion. It was a nice event, the whole evening.
However, later when I got home and stepped out of my car, I got abnormal heart rhythm. I am no doctor, but I think it was atrial fibrillation. I had similar experiences a few times in my life, even as a teenager. Every time it went away after a few minutes. I believe this time I got this episode of abnormal heart rhythm because I stretched too much at the football match. I should do regular physical activity every day, not doing nothing for two weeks and then stretch like that.
The interesting part is that while I was having abnormal heart rhythm I saw a shooting star (I was sitting outside, on my doorsteps, and waiting for my heart to go back to normal rhythm). It was inevitable that after seeing that meteor that lasted only a second or even less, before it burned out, while at the same time having this medical situation, I started thinking about life and death.
For a long time I have been behaving like I will live forever. I’ve been procrastinating on things that I want to do as if I have all the time in the world to do them later. I had big plans for my future, but that was it – it was for the future. I shouldn’t even say I had plans. A plan implies that you have a concrete goal and a list of actions that will lead you there, which I never had.
Procrastination can be an expression of fear of change – whether fear of failure or fear of success as well. We may dream of change, but at the same time fear it, and therefore avoid it. That was my case for most of my life. As long as I was very young I had been successfully deluding myself that I really do want change but the time is not right yet – I have to learn more, before I can change my life.
Well, I am not very young any more. I am not old yet, but I can’t delude myself anymore that postponing changes into the future will EVER work. The only time that change can happen is now. We cannot change in the future. If we wait too long, we may never change. We may die before we change.
So, the questions are, do I really want change and if so, am I going to start it now? In fact, this is only one single question.